My European jet-lag has been quite troublesome. I fall asleep at 7:30 pm, wake up at 10 pm, fall back asleep at 4am, then up by 5am. Needless to say, I'm still not sure whether I'm dreaming or sleep-walking.

Which is why I called 911 on Saturday morning.

I had stumbled up from sleep at 5 am. All was quiet excpet for the ocassional knock from the fridge and the papery breeze of my expensive paper shades. I walked into the living room and clicked on the boob-tube, hoping to catch some early morning indie with take-you-away foreign lingo and much-warranted sex.

That's when I first heard the murmering from the apartment above. I was surprised by its volume, not by the disturbance. See, nearly every night I'm awakened by my upstair's neighbor's repulsive snoring. Actually, he's not really the upstairs neighbor, he's the tenant that lives NEXT to my upstairs neighbor—his snoring is that loud. And every night he snores and I feel violated and frustrated and then I attempt to fall back to sleep.

But this murmering was not snoring. It was banging. Bodies being pushed and shoved. The voice of woman asking for the snorer to quiet down; the snorer telling the woman to shut the hell up and if she doesn't get off his back he's going to knock her... Then there was more shouting and cursing. A body falling to the floor. Two bodies falling into a wall. The snorer screaming, You bit me. I can't believe you bit me. Nobody has ever bit me as long as I've been alive. That's when I yelled: SHUT THE FUCK UP! And the pusher/slash/snorer quickly yelled back: You shut the fuck up!

And that's when I dialed 911.

The old Keith would have waited around to see if things quieted down; found something else to distract me, blah blah. But this new Keith didn't give a black bone. I dialed 911, told dispatch that a man was beating up his wife, and the NYPD arrived in less than 5 minutes.

I eagerly listened to their hallway convo through my front door. And of course all was denied. A misunderstanding I heard the police say. Sorry for your troubles. Granted, I didn't believe the snorer and his wife were killing each other, but I have no tolerance for people who think it's okay to share their drunken chaos with anyone within a two-floor radius, at 5:30 am. Especially with the rent I'm paying. Especially after I've traveled to Europe and back and can't sleep a wink.

I know I'm the only true gentrifier in the building with my high-end rent, dishwasher and brand-new shirt from the stores of Paris and, honestly, I don't care. If my gentrifier status gets the police here in 5 minutes to shut down the loud snorer and his enabler wife... so be it. So be it!

Until next time,

Keith